9 Emoticons For The High WASP

A reader wrote and mentioned, in passing, her wonderment at the excessive use of emoticons in Internet parlance today. She asked whether I had an opinion. I do. ;)

Little emotion cartoons are an uncomfortable fit in the High WASP world. We still wish for the days when raised eyebrows sufficed. That said, one might imagine an entire lexicon of High WASP emoticons. If one had to. All of which would indicate, in essence, "I am not sure I should be saying this." We would never use an emoticon to emphasize, only to mitigate. High WASPs live life in the subjunctive, as Tad Friend pointed out in Cheerful Money.

Imagine the following in common use. If you will.

Translation #1: That dress is appalling but I mean no offense. Goodness those yellow smiley faces are undignified.

Translation #2: You have proposed a bad idea. And yes, winking is a little barmaid, but luckily you and I understand irony.

Translation #3: Your child sure does run around a lot. I can't resist big words. I'm not showing off.

Translation #4: I'm not showing off.


Translation #5: I'm really not showing off.

Translation #6: I fear I am not as cool as I am trying to be.


Translation #7: Hmm. Don't worry, I am not about to tell you I love you, or anything else embarrassing.

Translation #8: I have been drinking but feel my best self is now revealed.


Translation #9: I am showing off. Please pretend you don't notice. Please.


And now you understand why High WASPs are not in charge of the West's emotional dialogue. Thank you. You're welcome.

Emoticon key:
Mona Lisa color B&W. But you knew that.
Random Greek symbols
James Dean
Heart behind bars
Martini
Pretty much add all those things up and my entire culture will sit at the bottom line.