What To Wear For Your Second Wedding

My mother married my stepfather in the early 80's. They held their small wedding, family only, at the chapel at Columbia University, where I was in the middle of my MBA studies. It's a beautiful place.

They held the reception at the Junior League in New York. Another beautiful place.

And my mother wore a Chanel shirtdress. Extra beautiful. Which still hangs in the upstairs storage closet in Santa Barbara. It was, unsurprisingly, peach.

We shopped for dresses together, mom and all three sisters. At some point we tried on Zandra Rhodes dresses, and laughed so hard we fell over. One sister found a dress that she now describes as a giant pink puffball. It had a lot of attachments. I wound up in a dark blue-green, satin, Albert Nipon, with sleeves that, had we filled them with popcorn, would have been bigger than my head. My mother wore this.

My sister agreed to try the dress on this weekend. It doesn't fit my mom any more. Fitting into your dress 25 years later shouldn't be one's first priority. I Photoshopped out my sister's identifying details. Leaving behind a virtual High WASP mannequin, I suppose. Thank you sister.

Before the wedding we rampaged around New York with our step-sister and brother to be, speaking fake Swedish, ascending the World Trade Center tower and visiting the open viewing deck, where I clung to the coin-operated binoculars in fear. After the wedding we rode in taxis and drank champagne from bottles. I know. I have a picture to prove it.

But that one we really don't need to plaster all over the Internet, now do we?

This post is in honor of Meg and her relaunched Practical Wedding site, and all the brides, new or second time, because weddings are always new, and always to be cherished even if someone drinks from the bottle. Perhaps especially then. If you are a bride-to-be, go there now. If you are a mother of a bride-to-be, go there now. Many things will be made clear.

Images
Columbia University Chapel via mrkw's photostream on Flickr.
New York Junior League via wallyg's photostream on Flickr
Dress photos, me and my sister

What To Wear At A Garden Wedding When You Are The Mother Of A Groom

MJ asked me a wonderful question in yesterday's Garden Party comments, "Do you have any suggestions for the mother of the groom at a garden wedding?" Well. First of all, congratulations. The human spirit rises for a wedding. I wish you and your son all the best.

And now for what to wear. Weddings are the purest single ritual we are likely to experience. Style serves clearly as a handmaiden to culture. But cultural expectations spill into style, as they will, bringing anxiety. To say nothing of the most hideous garments known to mankind. Can you say boat-necked, beige, polyester satin, topped with dolman sleeves of crocheted lace? Scattered sequins? Knife-pleated skirt falling 2 inches below the knees? A large pink-throated cattleya corsage? Deep breath in, between the teeth. And my apologies for unleashing the sorry sounds of High WASP style disdain.

Let us deconstruct the occasion, shall we?

We will have to guess at MJ's goals. I imagine were she to make a list, it would look something like this. Please correct me if I'm wrong.

• Support my son on his wedding day.
• Make a good impression on his partner's parents. If I know them already, that's pretty easy. If I don't, I'm nervous.
• Enjoy my outfit. I will be seeing pictures of myself in whatever I wear today for years, and years, and years. In albums, on mantelpieces, as laptop wallpaper and social networking homepages.
• Add to the overall aesthetic of the wedding.
• Participate responsibly in the society where the wedding takes place.

1. Support your son. The good news is that this should be easy to accomplish in the what to wear category. Most likely, he won't give a hoot. As long as you don't wear something weird. Or embarrassing. You know how we mothers do that to our sons? If you do have a fashion-focused boy child, ask him what he thinks is appropriate. If not, proceed to priority number two.

2. The in-laws. They matter. If they are nice people with good taste, they will want you to wear what makes you happy. Again, as long as it isn't weird. If they aren't nice people, or are nice people with terrible taste (it does happen), they may want you to wear something hideous. In that case, you are in a difficult position. Just remember that it's about your son's happiness, grin, and think of England. Endure beige polyester.

Given that your son's fiance and future mother-in-law have told you only that your dress should not be long, I infer that they are very nice people indeed. With the good taste not to ask you to match anything. I suggest you engage in the time-honored ritual, "What are YOU wearing?" Not to match, certainly not to match, but to establish context. A friendly, mutual, contract of shared intent.

3. Enjoy how you look. In general, we like how we look when our clothes suit us and the occasion. Only you know what suits you. The colors, silhouettes, and proportions. Skin color, hair color, height, weight, shape. Go with what you know. Now is probably not the time to experiment.

As a member of a garden wedding, High WASPs will wear garden party clothes, with a touch more intent to honor the event. A little bit more style. By the way, in case I haven't made this clear before, unless the in-laws, or the surrounding culture, reek of High WASP, you should feel free to ignore our opinion altogether. Oh, a few of us may widen our eyes, or lift one eyebrow, at style missteps, but it would be very rude if we let you see. Please do not encourage our bad behavior by caring one whit about what we think. Unless, of course, you want to.

Garden Wedding Style Guidelines For The Mother Of A Groom

You face a veritable matrix of choices. Mainstream silhouette or fashion forward? A dress, a suit, or skirt and top? The Polyvore below provides a few examples..

Garden Wedding by High WASP featuring Christian Louboutin shoes

The current mainstream silhouette is narrow. If this suits you, a good choice is a sheath, or elegant shirt dress in an sophisticated fabric, silk gazaar, organza, dupioni. You can edge towards shiny. It is a celebration, after all. But you want the impact to be subtle, in the details rather than the first sighting. Wear a jacket if the wedding ceremony is in a church.

A pretty suit is another alternative. For weddings, the prohibition against knits is waived, especially for a nice boucle. We all have to bend the rules for Chanel sometimes. Just be sure to avoid all traces of the board room. You're not displaying power, you're the loving, supportive, chic, proud, intelligent mom of a groom. Wear flowered sandals with a 3/4 sleeve, for example. No navy. No black. No Nancy Reagan red. Gray only if it flirts happily with lavender, rose, or teal.

If you want to take your silhouette a little fashion-forward, think Mad Men. And no, I don't mean Don Draper. If you have the Artsy Cousin chops to pull off vintage, this is the full-skirted, shantung moment to do so. That dress is out there somewhere, and if not, you can have it made from a vintage pattern. If, like me, you're a tad Sturdy, think Sharon Stone at the Oscars with her Gap tee and ballgown skirt. Get yourself the Most Beautiful white shirt you can find, and pair it with a gorgeous skirt in as lovely of a color as you can wear without becoming the center of attention. Not above the knee, needless to say. I'd have to go with forest green.

Up the bar for your jewelry. Pearls are a little too bridal in this situation. I love the Vera Wang camellias pictured above, and you can even rent them from Avelle. Yeah. Times have changed, huh?

Shoes? Avoid black, and don't sink into the lawn. Wedges, flats. You can have some fun. Flowers? Whatever the wedding plans decree. I abhor corsages but suspect that's just personal opinion. And hats? Well, they're hard to carry off in this day and age. If the other mother is wearing one, feel free. If the guests are wearing them, all the better. Just please, we beg you, make sure it is small-brimmed. There will be a lot of hugging going on, and if you are forced to hug with one arm so you can hold your hat on your head with the other, sub-optimal. Sub-optimal, my dears.

Most of all, find out just how dang fancy this shindig is going to be. Are veils involved? White ties? Cocktail length white dresses? Blue blazers? Khaki suits? Seersucker? Converse and polos? Then pretend it's a party you are attending and dress accordingly. After all, as Meg reminds us all the time, a wedding is a party, not a costume drama. And having a good time should be top of someone's list.

4. Your costume and its role in the wedding aesthetic. This is a High WASP pet peeve. We don't think people should be treated like furniture. While I might prefer that my armchair compliments my sofa, and that my walls offset my Persian rug, I do not require that my friends dress themselves like upholstery at my events. I know there's a long tradition around matching bridesmaids, and in some regions it's de rigueur, but the highest WASP I know grew up in Texas, and even 30 years ago had all us 9 or 10 bridesmaids match in color but not in actual dress.

5. Participate responsibly in society. Frankly, in this case, you don't give a damn. The society that matters is the society you are building, you, your son, his partner, both families together. If you care to abide by certain protocols, carry on. If you like to flout convention, carry on. With music. And I'm terribly fond of passing high-protein hors d'oeuvres before much alcohol has been consumed. Keeps Uncle Perry from making untoward remarks to the bridesmaids.

*To play fly on the walls of young women and their weddings, I suggest you read Style Me Pretty for the highly styled aesthetic, The Company She Keeps for traditional bride style, Souris Mariage and Bowie Bride for the more indie feeling. Just homework, of course.

**Anonymous, thank you for your idea of an "Ask LPC' function. I do let questions languish more than I would like. Right now we have plus size WASP fashion, perfume, skin care, hats, all in the queue. I wonder how to do this. Formspring might be an option, as I understand it.

***And a post on mother of the bride, with more shifts, vintage, and suitings, from Duchesse.

LPC Is At "Souris Mariage" Today, Redux

Today I am at Souris Mariage (In which Mouse gets hitched), to talk once again about wedding registries. This time, however, we're talking stuff. Plates and their friends, glasses, forks, spoons, and knives. With pictures. And more general silliness.

LPC Is At "Souris Mariage" Today

Today I am over at Souris Mariage. The charming and artistic young woman from Good Mouse, Bad Mouse is getting married. She asked me to talk about wedding registries. Today I am saying things like, "I recommend you furnish the life you will lead. Rather than collect goods. Life is short. We have to eat, and over the years you will be putting a lot of food into your mouth. With any luck people you love will be eating with you. Maybe around a table, maybe at a kitchen counter. Buy plates for those moments." Which is rather relevant on the eve of Thanksgiving. I will be back at Souris Mariage a week from today, to give my thoughts on just which plates, glasses, forks, and tablecloths are apt to be required. In a High WASP way, bien sur. For some reason, when it comes to household furnishings, we are fond of using whatever French we know. I'm going to blame Julia Childs.

Again, thank you all for the wonderful stories in the Rowallan giveaway. Much appreciated. I will be off tomorrow and Friday, so have a wonderful, wonderful, wonderful holiday. Back next week with more Little Black Dresses, India voyages, and possibly the High WASP position on Ralph Lauren. A bientot.

High WASP Wedding - Navy #4

Of course a High WASP wedding will be likely to have navy blue somewhere. Might be the people. You can go traditional or, well, less traditional.

Might be the table settings. You can go formal, or, well, less formal. With the tin plates below you can even go outside.

And when you're done, you can go, well, away. Bon voyage all.

I know I had said I was done with navy. I was wrong. I made a mistake. That happens sometimes. Have a great weekend.

Images...
Bridesmaids: Project Wedding
Groom: Style Me Pretty
Formal Tables: Tangorra Events via Style Me Pretty
Tin Plate: EmilyStyle
Towel: Land's End via Couture Carrie
Beach Tote (yeah right that's a beach tote...): Oscar de la Renta via Couture Carrie

High WASP Weddings x Crossing Cultures

I've been touched by some recent discussions in the blogosphere. Sweet Tea and Accordions and Lace have both talked about wanting to include family traditions while at the same time planning weddings that reflect them as they are in the country where they have lived all or most of their lives. Sweet Tea also points out that some times people from many generations in America appear to co-opt important symbols from other cultures.


We apologize. That's not the intent. But High WASPs have rebellious children too. Or non-rebels who want simply to evolve beyond the culture of their origin. The pageantry of the traditional High WASP wedding has been largely co-opted by the Wedding Industry. Martha, I mean you. So we keep looking. We look back to pre-commercial America, to folk art and Etsy and simple bouquets of wildflowers. (Even if they are in fact works of art by the goddess of Saipua. We don't mind paying for greatness). We look out to other countries, other aesthetics, other spiritual traditions. Our history of colonialism makes this tricky. It's usually done in good faith.

Images.
Bride; spose di gio via Brides
Accoutrements; Wedding theorem from Antiques Journal, etsy (via somewhere else I can't remember where...), table setting from I can't remember where, utensils from I can't remember where, prayer flags from I can't remember where, flowers from saipua.
Please excuse me. These are old images and I did not know at the time to tag them.

If For Some Reason You Wanted A High WASP Wedding...

If for some reason you would like to have a High WASP wedding, I've got a few pointers. I do understand that a High WASP wedding has no particular virtue. I would not begin to tell anyone they should follow my advice. In other words, while I am sure that what I am saying is correct, it just doesn't necessarily matter.

What you would not be likely to find at a High WASP wedding is one of these.

Project Wedding

Well why not you might ask? Didn't we just discuss the joys of gaudy and over the top jewelry? Yes. But those were real diamonds. And quite frankly using enough real diamonds to hang strands from 42 crystal trees as table toppers would oust us forever from the realm of good taste. No matter what you did it would be showing off. And therefore mean to your guests and therefore not done.

The only way you might find crystal trees at a High WASP wedding is if we were going all the way to camp, Star Trek meets Winter Wonderland, completely tongue in cheek. And if we take crystal trees over the top of Tongue in Cheek Mountain it might be too hard to avoid Ugly Lake on the way up.

So.

At a High WASP wedding flowers like these below are always OK. They are white. They are low, so you can talk to each other, (we prize civility), and they adhere to the Western design principle of the Golden Ratio. Can't you just feel that "(a+b/a) = (a/b)" vibe?

Project Wedding (Nantucket)

But let's say you want to push the edge just a wee bit. In that case, honor the fierceness of flowers. Please do not force them to masquerade, to act as though they all open at once and never die. Gardening is an honorary sport for High WASPs. We are OK with the idea that flowers droop, they lose their petals, they grow sometimes in fields with weeds.

Flowerwild via Lyndsey Hamilton Events, saipua via design*sponge

If you want to push the edge just a wee bit further, no problem. Clearly you are someone with more style than I. In that case, follow your aesthetic and to hell with High WASPism. If you hadn't already said that to begin with. High WASP aesthetics are a way to make sure you don't do something wrong. Not a way to make sure you do it right. The world is too wide, wild, and mysterious for that particular project.

High WASP Weddings, Corruption And The Age Of Innocence

Gaudy, expensive, over-the-top weddings of famous people are not unique to our era. Consider if you will the inaptly named Age of Innocence. Does everyone remember, from the deep, dark recesses of high school history classes, a man named Boss Tweed? New York politician famed largely for corrupt practices. How about, from the same history class, or maybe from business school if you studied financial geniuses and possible criminals, a man named J. Pierpont Morgan? As in J.P. Morgan & Co.? As in the financial instruments responsible for the Industrial Revolution?

Guess what. They both had daughters. Guess what. Their daughters both got married. Guess what. The New York Times covered both weddings. In very different tones of voice. I will excerpt some of the articles here, but they are worth reading in all the gory detail.

J. Pierpont Morgan, Boss Tweed (gotta love this source)

"Miss Morgan's Wedding...," respectfully begins the coverage of J. Pierpont's daughter's 1900 wedding. Her dress is described in the usual detail.
Clearly J. Pierpont was not lacking for diamonds. The reception, as was common for even the fanciest of affairs, followed at his residence.
Magnificence, reported in tones of awe. Now take a look at how the Times covered Boss Tweed's daughter's 1871 ceremony and reception. The article is even entitled, "A Costly Wedding." Boss Tweed's daughter committed the nouveau riche sin of purchasing her dress, albeit custom made.


Boss Tweed went all out decorating his house for the reception too. But I guess he hadn't learned that correct protocol was to hang tapestries of the Sun God. What was he thinking, to rely only on expensive flowers?


J. Pierpont Morgan was a leading financier of his time. He was investigated by Congress but suffered no serious consequences. Was he corrupt? Boss Tweed rose from the Irish gangs of New York’s Lower East Side. Was he corrupt? So we said. And arrested him and put him in jail 4 months after his daughter's wedding. I do not know if the New York Times was warranted in their different approaches to these two weddings. I do wonder, just a little bit why J. Pierpont's daughter covered in diamonds and the tapestries of Greek gods in his house were exempt from the label given to Boss Tweed's "monstrous" flowers? Old money had its privilege? But maybe Tweed was a criminal and Morgan was not. We will leave that question to the historians.

These days I believe our admiration or disdain for the excesses of celebrity weddings is ethnicity neutral. Class neutral. Unbigoted. There is progress, I believe, in the world. And yes, my family went to both events and brought presents. Power, after all, is power.

The Fierceness Of Flowers

The reputation of flowers, in my opinion, is deeply flawed. Think about it. Even the term, flowery, means delicate, ornate, soft. Have you looked at any flowers in their natural state lately? My roses almost killed me over the weekend. My arms were marked with punctures as though tiny pipes had blown poison darts at me from the suburban rain forest.

I got back at those roses. I cut some branches and put them in a vase on my kitchen counter. Now I can see the thorns though the clear glass and the water. Thorns as big as my thumbnails. The flowers themselves are peach or apricot colored, but redder in the bud. The shades of flesh and blood. The open blooms are chaos, the opening buds full of promise.

Pascoe Porter, Old Rose, flickr

Remember the next time you think of flowers that in their true habitat, their natural habitat, they are fierce beings meant to ensure the future life of their species. You should still put them on your wedding tables, hold them in your hands as you walk down the aisles if you want. But make no mistake about their real selves.

Guest On A Practical Wedding : Priscilla And Stanford, 1937

As you all know I have enormous respect for Meg, the young woman responsible for the site, A Practical Wedding. Her writing and thinking is of interest, in my opinion, even if you aren't planning a wedding any time in the near future. She has done me the honor today of posting the story of my great-aunt Priscilla's wedding. If you are so inclined, take a peek, if you haven't already.

High WASP Weddings, The Age of Innocence

The bride in the photo above is not related to me. But she might have been. The text does come from a description of the wedding of one of my grand-somethings in the New York Times.

Then there's this, from another, earlier wedding, of another one of my grand-somethings at the turn of the century. What do you think, is the Times tongue in cheek here? The "usual fall"? The "number of which was very large"?


I like the idea that the Times was teasing gently.

Although all this is true, I know it doesn't matter. Fun to dig around anyway. Have you ever noticed when people hit 50 they suddenly become much more interested in their genealogy?

Images: Bride: buyvintageweddingdress.com. Accoutrements: floral head wreaths, Michael C. Fina, The Madison Room at the Palace Hotel

High WASP Wedding - Country Club

Bride: Brideshead Revisited. Accoutrements from upper left: Sugar Plum, Flickr, Wedding Graffiti, Style Me Pretty, Artfool, Flickr, Menlo Circus Club, Lynn Lugo, Lemontree, Weddings Unveiled

Frequently High WASPs get married at country clubs. The photos here are in part from the Menlo Circus Club, a long-established club in my neighborhood. When we were little, we asked my Dad if we could join. He said no, they didn't allow Jews or blacks (that's what we said then as opposed to African-Americans) to join. So neither would we. We were allowed to have a summer membership at the Wianno Yacht Club however. I don't know if that was due to more liberal policies or parental desire for a peaceful summer on the Cape.

The Circus Club has changed now. Like America, it's more democratic. So here's to country club weddings, the glasses of iced tea on the terrace, the gin and tonics circulating on silver trays at 5pm promptly, string quartet for the ceremony and big band for the reception. The crack of polo mallets can be heard from time to time as the bride dances in her short dress. And her skirt swings out.

This is for MM who could be getting married at a country club but isn't.

High WASP Wedding - Cape Cod

Because there's only so much analysis that's worth doing.

Images from upper left: areohome, via Mighty Haus, Inspirations & Creations, Bride's Guide, Pingg.com, Snippet & Ink, Weddings Fresh, Project Wedding, (eek don't know on the cute bridesmaid), Brides

High WASPs love Cape Cod. My mother's family had a house in Wianno on the beach. I went there as a kid and played wiffleball with my father. My mother played softball with the Kennedy's in Hyannisport when she was young. She said Teddy cheated. But she is still a lifelong Democrat.

What Am I Reading? Politics and Work Stuff. Oh Yes. Weddings.

The last few categories in my Reader are Politics, The Web, and Weddings. You can see, by peering, that there are very few Politics or Web blogs. I was reading Tales From The Recently Laid-Off, since I was, I think, but then the author got a job. Hmmm. I was reading Wonkette, but I couldn't stand the yelling. I find most political discussions on the web to be like lying as a small child listening to my parents fighting downstairs. And I didn't like that the first time around.

The Web category? Well, that's my work. My current, or recently misplaced work. In my life I have worked as an office manager for a British theatrical producer, in funding for Off-Broadway theater, for a former McKinsey consultant in a firm that was half strategy consulting and half Primal Scream workshops, as a freelance writer traveling in India, as a newly-minted MBA in corporate strategy (can you tell I decided to get a grownup job around then?), as a salesperson of liquid nitrogen, oxygen, and argon, and then as a self-employed consultant. But for the past 12 years I have been in high-tech, working mostly as a product manager, manager of product managers, or VP of Product Management. I ought to stay current. But truth be told, to put myself in work mode I have to crank up the testosterone levels beyond acceptable levels for someone trying to reacquaint myself with the sofa. I read the Cranky Product Manager and make crabby comments on the posts. I read Mashable so I can feel that some day I might actually go back to work.

And then weddings. I love weddings. But I have already talked weddings. So for the next few days I will just change my blogroll to include every wedding blog I read and nothing else. There might be a few gems in there. As always, A Practical Wedding. And try DJ and the Remix. Or maybe 100 Layer Cake.

And there you have it. My Reader. On Friday, April 3rd, 2009.

High WASP Weddings, Oriental Trading Company

My daughter may actually kill me if I keep putting up her daydreamed wedding. Even though I try to be so accomodating in my imaginary weddings, in reality I am still taking copyright of her future, a cardinal parental sin. No matter how good I am in my imagination, it's the reality that matters. Too bad for poets, right? But I love weddings, and I plan to continue to examine them. However, in order to prolong my life, we will consider them under the aegis of the "Deconstructing the High WASP" course syllabus.

Today we will consider the question of the Oriental Trading Company. One might assume that High WASPs hate the Oriental Trading Company. That we despise all things that can be acquired by the dozen. In fact, we do not. Please review the images below. Please think, hmm, which items would High WASPs want at their weddings or their imaginary daughters' weddings? From which items might they recoil in horror?

Source

Would the flutes, the most almost-tasteful items be chosen? No. Unfortunately, no. None of the items in the bottom row would make it. The card box is out because a) High WASPs don't give cards with money in them as presents b) the only abstract heart logo we endorse is Elsa Peretti's. The Love aisle runner is out, because decor is too sacred to mess around with and any emotion is too serious to walk on. The personalized flutes are out because SOMEONE MIGHT THINK WE MEANT IT! This is the worst outcome, to have someone think we thought these were OK when they are not. You see, we could maybe two Reidel flutes, or Kosta Boda. Even Waterford is a little too too unless your grandmother owned them first. We could really only use flutes at all if someone had given us a set of 12, or else the hotel handed them to us via someone dressed in a black jacket.

But you absolutely might find any of the objects in the top row at a High WASP wedding. "They are not very tasteful!", you might exclaim with an indrawn breath. No. They are kitsch. There is a fine but perilous line between tacky+cheesy, and kitsch. Kitsch is OK. Kitsch is on purpose. Kitsch is not you-tried-to-have-good-taste-but-failed. Kitschy things are what they are. A camera decorated with wedding roses? A light up colored alcohol drink fountain? A set of bride and groom bubble blowers? These things are what they are. They are not trying to be anything else. This above all the High WASP cherishes. Perhaps because we have decent hearts and shun artifice. Perhaps because we want each item to stay in its category and not try to pass itself off as high class, a status reserved for the few. Even I don't know which is the right answer and it's possible both are true. Possible, and terribly confusing when you are growing up.

When In Doubt, Deconstruct

What I notice in the wedding industry is something I noticed in business. In the beginning there is purpose. In the fullness of time, purpose becomes activity. After a while people relegate purpose to the closet in the corner and define their job as marking items off the activities checklist. The only way to stay true to the purpose is to take the checklist apart and remind yourself, and all the people in the irritating meeting of course, why it got constructed in the first place.

Deconstructed, weddings are a legal binding of two people into the state of marriage. So yes, you do need a marriage license and an officiant. Not optional. Weddings are optionally a ritual that binds two people into the belief and cultural system of marriage via acts of magical significance. So maybe you should have some ceremonial acts. And perhaps some ceremonial artifacts. Weddings are also optionally a celebration of the binding of two people into marriage. If you take this option, you should have some celebration accoutrements. And if you want to celebrate, well then give a mouse a cookie, because all kinds of fresh hell break loose.

You can see how quickly we move from needing a marriage license and officiant to needing strands of crystals hanging from pale blue manzanita branches or custom 4-foot high sand candles or a fabulous Swedish paper cutout altar hanging. How quickly we subsume the theater of ritual to the requirements of a photography schedule. Yes, if you are going to have a celebration, it will have a visual aspect. It will look like something. But that is all you have to know for sure. Nothing says you have to have a color palette or flowers or lighting or signage or anything. Your wedding has to look like something because we are humans with eyes. That's it. But what it looks like doesn't make it more or less of a wedding. Once you take that checklist apart.

All of this has been said before, and said very well. Maybe it matters. Probably so.

The Brides of Wedding Blogs, Part 2

This being a wide world, there are also bride blogs that I read for nothing but the pleasure of the familiar. Intellectual, aesthetic, emotional, no matter. And, as always when we rummage through the attics of our own people, wherever we find those people, however we decide that they are our people, we exclaim with recognition as we read. “Oh yes, look, I had that sparkly thing on my head! And look, how funny, she’s right, yes I thought that too! And yes of course you want black calla lilies or all white water lilies or wildflowers from a High Sierra meadow!” In my case, east side bride and her native coolness, Mother and Bride who wants to get married in cowboy boots, Cats, Cheese, and a Wedding Please!, where a woman who identifies as queer is marrying a man in New Orleans, eating amazing food, and fighting with her mother, I read them all without having any analytical filter. Just because I like them. And oddly enough, with none of them do I have the feeling of peering into an alien culture. But that’s just me and the cohort I have chosen for myself. With any luck, it will be an ever-widening cohort.

Cyberoptix Tie Lab via A Practical Wedding

Speaking of cohorts: “This is not a tie”. Yes. This is how High WASPs address weddings. Either they say, “This is a wedding, nothing more, nothing less. We will not discuss the implications.” Or they say, “This? This little thing? This isn’t a wedding. We just happen to be getting married. I promise.” The image above is from the bride blog that I think addresses weddings and the wedding industry from a clear space. A Practical Wedding. Meg’s premise is that weddings ought to be first and foremost the creation and the reflection of the people getting married. Well, yeah. But that simple premise can be difficult to realize. Why?

1. The minute that two people say to each other, “Maybe we will get married some day….,” someone somewhere senses the possibility of large sums of money. Planning a wedding can be like trying to take a romantic walk down a mountain path, only large billboards block the view on either side. Silicon Valley billboards too, the kinds that light up and blink, and change, and tell you the future is now.

2. Weddings create marriages. And marriages create families. And created families have meaning for the families of origin. And meaning creates opinions.
3. Weddings create parents. And parents create children, and children are our only real hope of thwarting death. In our hearts. If you remember, I find death to be a real problem. A lot of mythic weight, then.

Brides have to make their way through a dynamic industry where high voltage technology changes and branding fervor run rampant. Then they have their own culture and their own family emotions to navigate. Then they have the human myth of living forever telling itself in the background.

No wonder. But tulle is a lovely narcotic. And the enduring pursuit of an aesthetic is the same instinct that drives artists. It endures. So I love weddings. And I love wedding blogs. And I hope the little fish of personal hope at the heart of most weddings keeps everyone going while the industry clashes and trumpets above.

The Brides of Wedding Blogs, Part 1

I have read a lot of bride wedding blogs. A lot. And I confess to having done so originally with my High WASP upturned nose firmly in the air. And truth be told I still have to yank that nose down hard. And real truth be told, sometimes I am weak and I surrender and I feel disdain. As I have said before, it is hard for High WASPs to put aside their disdain for the tacky, the cheesy, the overtly sentimental, the overly-coordinated, to say nothing of tawdry and unecessarily earnest color combinations.

But I would be letting the side down (sports term, derived I think primarily from cricket) if I left it there. Bride wedding blogs offer a glimpse into alternate cultures, personalities, and aesthetics in a world where most of us build social circles that reflect our own values. Reading bride blogs is like taking a shower in another country for the first time. You reevaluate a lot of things you had taken for granted.

Wedding blogs make very clear that judging someone on first impressions is a bad idea. For example, when I first found out that there are entire forums devoted to brides getting married at Walt Disney properties, my initial surprise was only exceeded by my ultimate surprise that Walt Disney offered wedding packages in the first place. High WASPs do not at first blush think that weddings at Walt Disney properties are in good taste. High WASPs would really not even want to say the word Disney and wedding in the same breath. However, Carly’s blog convinced me that if I were young again it might be possible that I would become best friends with someone getting married at a Disney property, even if I couldn’t quite throw off the High WASP shackles and don a set of white Minnie Mouse ears and veil myself.

Then there's Jenna. Jenna writes for Weddingbee. She has her own blog as well. Without Jenna’s blog I would be completely ignorant of what it is like to be an early-20’s LDS bride - marrying a Polish immigrant trained as an IT Systems Engineer. And I would not know that that a Mormon small town girl could bring on the diva. All of which seems like a pretty specific and small set of knowledge to bother acquiring. But it’s not the particular. It’s the general.

I'm sure there's an uplifting message somewhere nearby but it would not be possible for me to go there. High WASP issue.

I Love Weddings Almost Most Of All

As you will surely remember, I love wedding blogs. They are full of pictures of flowers, smiling young women with beautiful shoulders, and tulle. What's not to love? Wedding bloggers were the first blogs I ever read. Sitting at my desk, on yet another conference call where tinny voices slogged their way through project status, trying to decide whose fault it all was. Solution? Wedding blogs. If you're a woman between 18 and 35, you may know it well already.

Snippet & Ink

Unfortunately for fairy tales, for a corporate type glowing brides and tuxedoed grooms sometimes pale in comparison to the vivid patterns of industries. As I see it, the wedding blog business is in its early stages, but still shows some classic industry structures. As my experience is in software, that's the parallel I draw. As follows. You have the integrated systems houses, in the Martha Stewart/Brides/The Knot triumvirate. I think of them as IBM/Sun/Hewlett Packard. In their cases the blog was not the original offering and their primary revenue stream may still come from the 'hardware", the website/print vehicles. In the "started-with-blog", or "software only" segment, we have what I see as the market leaders with broad and broadening offerings,Weddingbee and Style Me Pretty, with several challengers including Southern Weddings, Elizabeth Anne Designs, etc. Weddingbee and SMP might be, let's say, Oracle and Microsoft, with Southern Weddings and EAD as McAfee or Symantec challenging. I assume that we will see the usual disaggregation and re-aggregation common to industries in this stage, and eventually some combination of website/blog will become the ultimate industry leader. The 800-lb gorilla as we call it here in Silicon Valley. Not very romantic, but there you go. I am damaged by so many years in business and I make my apologies in advance.

As is common in other early stage industries, you also see the single product leaders, similar to the company building only image creation software, but the absolute best image creation software, so even though they come to market narrowly they are successful. In this category I would put Snippet & Ink, where Kathryn (thanks Meg, I am old Father William I am old, and forgetful) puts out the most beautiful collages (known as inspiration boards in industry jargon) centered around various wedding modes, again and again and again.

Next you have the independent contractors, the supply chain to the wedding blog industry. Wedding vendors and brides are in fact the supply chain to the wedding blog industry. Not to take away from the romance... What I have found is that the big vendors, wedding planners, photographers and florist being the primary generators of a large inventory of images, tend to show up often enough on the market leader blogs that I don't have to read their blogs separately. So I read the vendors who's particular approach I enjoy. This would include, in my case, Weddings Fresh, Bride Chic, In the Now, Lyndsey Hamilton Events, and Sasha Souza Events. Oh wait, the last one I read for her cocktails. Oops. And Saipua, because I wish Sarah would let me be her mother so she could say funny things to me all the time. Except I guess she'd be more apt to roll her eyes if the current data set is any reflection of future probability.

In this vendor segment, we see some classic industry patterns, i.e. smaller companies setting up alliances to broaden their offerings, rather than acquiring, merging, or simply accelerating product development. For example, Dani at Weddings Fresh has Amy Jo from Bride Chic doing a Gown Friday on her site. Perfect example of how a squadron of partners can operate in a world of big guns. (Can you BELIEVE I can use these terms with a straight face?)

Finally, the brides. With their own blogs. Ah. My favorites. They in fact deserve their own post. Because, after all, they are people, rather than mere players in an industry, strutting and fretting their hour upon a stage.

Ironic Wedding Invitations

MBM asked me a very good question. What is an ironic wedding invitation? Well, in the world of High WASPs, emotions are a very tricky thing. One must have them, after all, being human. But one must not carry on about them. So classic wedding invitations have to say, "Here I am. I am an invitation to a wedding. A wedding is a known ritual in which two people are getting married. That is all we need to discuss." But an ironic invitation, like this one below, can say a little more.

This invitation and reply card etc. says, "Oh look, a somewhat tacky (the ultimate shame) romantic image. However, we will ignore that image, and even poke sly fun at it with our rock and roll BBQ. All the while we will adhere to all wedding conventions and language." And the calligraphy will be hand done, "Because, (name of person being scolded) calligraphy type fonts are not... (the done thing is implied but not said)." A type font is a type font and should admit to its origins.

The final effect is one of respecting all conventions and yet indicating that one might somehow rise above them. Of making a gesture towards love, but quickly, so that no embarassment can be felt, by anyone. Frankly it's all pretty exhausting. And while what I'm saying is true, I'm exaggerating. You have to exaggerate to be able to describe all this, and once exaggerated it sounds worse than it is. For the most part. And BTW I made the invitation up:).